My son has autism. *GASP*
Those that have met him say “No he doesn’t!”.
Throughout my son’s life I have noticed “things”. Not typical behaviors associated with autism. He did not stim, he did not avoid eye contact, he was verbal, but other behaviors that I found frustrating and could not correct or behaviors I did not see in other kids. I had a lot of support. He started a small preschool at the age of 2 with amazing teachers and a child developmental specialists that supported the parents. We would meet once a week and discuss child development and our own issues. I would bring up issues I thought were weird or could not solve on my own. I was always assured “It’s normal, he’ll grow out of it”.
As my son got older and entered primary school I noticed he was a target for bullies. No matter where we went or the kids around him, one or two kids seemed to target him. There was a time he was coming home with bruises. He didn’t understand and neither did I. He would not stand up for himself. I would ask the teachers how to make him more confident, how to stand up to the bullies, because, let’s face it, no matter where we go in life, there will always be an asshole in life. There was never anything that helped and all the teachers said “He’ll grow out of it, don’t worry!”.
At one point he was chased down the hall while 2 children followed him and chanted "Cry, (his name) Cry!". When I spoke to a "professional counselor" at the school, her response, "Maybe he's just too sensitive". That's like saying "maybe your skirt was too short" to a rape victim. (I'm seething with anger just thinking about it"
He also had difficulty with friends. He had a hard time understanding why they did this or that. He didn’t understand how to play along with them if they were not doing exactly what HE wanted to do.
He had so much difficulty regulating his emotions. He cried all the time. He had meltdowns all the time.
My son was having a lot of anxiety and I didn’t know how to help him. Then Covid happened and I too, had a lot of anxiety. The world was upside down.
During the worst of Covid and before vaccines, we did about 10 months of online learning. There is no other way to put it, it was hell. Online learning is bad in the best of circumstances, but with undiagnosed autism, my poor child was really struggling with it. Almost every day was filled with frustration and tears, both his and mine. Sometimes he would get so upset he would bang his head on the wall.
I was conflicted. Stay online and learn, nobody wants their child to fall behind in school or take him out of classes for his well being.
By November both of us were at our wit’s end. We decided to leave Thailand and visit family for a while. To be honest, everything was online and we can access a computer from anywhere.
First we went to Latvia to visit family. It was a nice break. We enjoyed snow, old friends, old town charm and family. We tuned into a few classes when we could and worked independently on the things the teacher sent to us.
Then we went to the States and spent Christmas there. It was a much needed break and both of us were feeling a lot better.
Once we returned, school was open to in person learning, much to our relief.
He was also very thin. I was always told by children’s specialists “Kids will never starve themselves”, so I never pushed him to eat more. I have struggled with weight issues and I didn’t want to put that on him. I didn’t want to be a “clean your plate” kind of mom.
As a baby and toddler he was always in the 90th percentile for weight and height, but now he was in the 15th percentile.
He was not growing at the same rate or keeping up with his classmates' size and weight. We were secluded because of Covid, but I tried and tried to get him to eat more.
Finally we called the hospital in Bangkok and they ordered blood work. He was anemic and malnourished. We flew to Bangkok and had a check up with the doctor. She was great. She tested him for a number of ailments, but it all boiled down to eating more. We were sent home with iron, appetite stimulant, and Pediasure. FYI, the appetite stimulant did not work.
He feels hunger, and he has foods he likes, but he does have an aversion to certain textures and tastes. He literally cannot stand them. He also is so easily distracted that eating is often the thing that gets forgotten about. A simple small meal can take him hours to eat because his attention is so frequently diverted. With persistence and a very strict schedule he has gained weight and grown. Last year he grew 10cm!
It is, however, a constant battle.
He has one amazing teacher at school that specializes in special education needs. I asked her to take a look at Kai, because something was not quite right. He was miserable and anxious and I was at a loss.
She suggested that it could be autism. He did not fit the image I had of autism. Years ago I babysat a little boy with autism and I knew other children with autism. My son did not fit what I knew about autism. As I did more research, and started to understand the spectrum better, everything started making sense.
I began to ask him pointed questions and I learned so much. He has always made eye contact with me, so I asked him about that. He replied that he can make eye contact with me and daddy, but he DOES NOT like it and hates doing it with other people. I never knew that.
He does not like going to certain stores because all the sounds, sights and smells overwhelm him and make him anxious. I never knew that.
He does not understand facial expressions unless they are really extreme. He understands a BIG smile, but not a slight smile. I did not know that.
Some human behavior confuses him. I can explain it so he understands and learns it, but he doesn’t intuitively “get” it.
He was masking all the time, pretending. That had to be exhausting!
Now, just because I Googled the symptoms doesn’t mean I'm an expert and can definitively say he has autism, so we began searching for a diagnosis. Much harder than it sounds.
There is very little support for special needs in Thailand and even less for an expat. After months of searching and calling and searching and crying, we finally met someone that could meet with us and do a proper diagnosis.
So off we went to Bangkok again.
It came back that my son does have high functioning autism or Asperger's. It was almost a relief. We could name it and treat it and get him the support he needs!
Since the formal diagnosis things have gotten much better. My son now has an IEP (Individual Education Plan) in place at school, and his teachers are really great with his special needs. I understand more and I am more understanding. We have tools in place to help him with his anxiety.
Things have gotten better for everyone. He is learning to regulate his emotions more effectively, he’s maturing. Of course it’s not perfect and never will be, but it’s better.
However, the amount of times I was dismissed as an overbearing parent and told “You worry too much!”, to those people I would like to say:
YOU WERE WRONG!
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